It is going to be hard, but everything you have done or said to me, or let me say, not said to me, has made me decided this. Everynight you are piss drunk. Everyday you skip school. Everyday you dont talk to me.
Maybe you will burn out. Maybe you will continue down that road. All i wish for you is a great life.
You dont care how i feel, you dont care what is going on in my life. I really dont need this right now. At first I would have dropped everything for you, but you never did for me. I am not giving up. I am moving on and doing whats right for me. You pushed me over edge. Lost many hours of sleep, cried my eyes out, and what do i got to show for that, Nothing.
I dont regret anything, it was great fun when it happend, It was a great learning experience. You broke all your promises to me. How can you say you love me and not show me.
I have had enough of this bull shit in my life. I have met amazing people and i HAVE amazing friends, what else can i ask for? I ask for you to be gone.
There are so many emotions running through my body right now. I am so confused and do not know how to feel. Anger, Madneess, Happiness, Sadiness, Hate, Love. All these feelings. It is really starting to be exsausting. I just wish i knew how to express them with out hurting anyone or myself. But untill than, I am going to keep it inside.
you: I miss you alot. So much that I am starting to regret any feeling i have had for you. Regret all the time i have spent with you. Was it a waste? Maybe cause you are gone. I was lying in bed today in tears because i miss it. Expecially to the fact that I still miss you.
you#2: After all the ways you have treated me, I can’t let go. Maybe its because I am afraid that i will fall for you again. Maybe its because I remeber how amazing you have made me feel. Maybe deep down I have some hope, deep down I know I love you for some silly reason.
you#3: I hate you you made my life miserable. but i can’t tell you
you#4:Thank you for everything. All my rants and tears
you#5: you probably think im a crazy person.
you#6: I dont really know you. but i can always turn to you to make my day a little bit brighter…you gotta stop loosing your cows.
So far, today has been a pretty productive day. Besides my minor melt down this morning, I picked myself up and trucked away on my list of things to do. (Maybe with a little help of Gaga and the fray). I finished my first draft of my first college paper, I finished my Criminology reading, and my English questions, I have thought about my two proposals that are due soon, and made appointments with my professors for help. The rest of today, is going to go by fast, I have work at 4 and by the time i get home, it will be bed time. Starting tomorrow is my Week with the Fam Jam, Christys SFU graduation is on Thursday, and tomorrow is “girls night out”. Friday, crab dinner (yum) and saturday I head up to the shuswap for some R and R and some study time for my mid terms and papers.
Its really killing me inside. I don’t have the feeling of happiness anymore. And i am sick of having to put of the Fake wall of happiness. Everything since June, Has gone out of control. My world is falling apart falling to pieces and taking me down with it. I just want someone to trust, someone who loves me and someone who will always be there for me. its ripping me apart. feeling of constant anger, frusteration and sadness, All i want to do is cry. All I do when i come home is cry. I’m usually a happy person. I need to be happy. I never been this low. I don’t know what to do.
I try to stay pre-occupied but my mind just wonders. wonders back to you. You say you love me. but i need you to start to prove it. I can’t stay like this for much longer. You barely talk to me, because you are too busy. But I always have had time to talk to you. I just don’t want to do this anymore.
Yeah, It is all your fault. You told me you didn’t want it to be like this. BUT your the one that making it like this. Your super huge EGO is still there. Your just so humble about it. get over it, You know you are better than everyone, you always knew you are better than everyone. But hey. YOUR NOT!
I guess I’m going to have to get use to this thing called college student.
You know, sleepless nights, studying…which i never did, and not good at, reading. Being grumpy and always stressed out.
School is just stressing me out, I was never taught how to do a research paper and now they are flying at me and all due at the same time. Its kinda funny how in high school they teach you everything that college proffessors hate. Also, grammar, maybe they should of spent MORE time on that, because that is killing me.
This week, started out bad, rocky, since school started i;d come home everyday and burst out in tears because It stresses me out. But I slowly am figuring it out. I learned my lesson of keeping up with reading, that is my hardest part. And listen very carefully to what the prof says, beause they might never mention it again.
But, now its almost the end of the week, and I have a short shift at work. Maybe things will get better. I sure hope so.
I know this roller coaster of life isn’t going to stop. There is still things I need to figure out. Still things I need to get over. I must say, I am putting up a front because i don’t need people to worry about me. i do bottle it up inside, and I will explode. It just feels like my bottle is getting smaller and smaller.